Dealing With Others Who Don't Understand the Recovery Process

While trying to follow Structured Eating, I've had my ups and downs. Recovery isn't perfect by any means, but I am moving forward. Well, what's difficult is the fact that I am living in my boyfriend's parent's home, and his mother is morbidly obese. She has her own issues with food that I clearly see as compulsive, and while she may not have full on Binge Eating Disorder, she certainly has severely disordered eating. It's made it very challenging to live here, but right now I don't have much of a choice. I've thought that maybe it could be a good thing since it's throwing me into the fire, and if I can learn to control my E.D. in this house, I can do it anywhere, but there are moments where I just wish I could get my own place and have some peace away from it all. That, unfortunately isn't an option at the current moment in time, though. So, I'm stuck.

One of this woman's habits is watching what you eat. She asks a million questions while sticking herself right next to you and her face in your food either while you are cooking or while you are eating. Then she'll stick her fingers in your food and pick at it uninvited, or occasionally ask desperately if she could try some. It's incredibly unnerving. Another thing she will do is make suggestions about what you should eat while you are trying to decide on something to eat. I might want to make eggs for breakfast. She will sit there and say, "Well, you can add cheese to it! We also have some leftover bacon and shrimp you could stick in there! Or, you could fry up the pasta into a scramble with it! You could even have some toast!" And it goes on and on. Ironically, though, she rarely, if ever, eats breakfast, which makes me even more self conscious about having to eat with her near!

Since eating is anxiety provoking as it is, this behavior has been dancing on my last nerve. I am trying to eat a healthy amount, while trying to control my binge urge with every single mouthful. I am trying to make safe food choices so I'm less triggered to binge. To have her over my shoulder, making suggestions and watching my food makes me want to SCREAM! And, well, today I DID snap.

I was trying to have an apple with some peanut butter as a morning snack, and she comes over, leans against the counter right next to me, and puts her face over my food! No respect for personal space whatsoever! She says, "Oh, is that your peanut butter?" (I buy natural, fresh ground peanut butter, not JIF-style, and it's a new concept for her she can't seem to understand.)

I snapped! I tried to say things as calmly as I could, but I know I came off a little rude. "I'm sorry, I can't have you that close to my food while I'm eating," as I pulled my plate away from her and closer to me. She backed off, stunned that I did that, surprised she was doing anything wrong.

I do plan to apologize for snapping, but I mean, really! Even if I didn't have food issues, it seems very rude to stick your face into what somebody is eating at the time and ask questions about it. Maybe I am sensitive . . . scratch that, I know I'm sensitive, but I've explained my issues to her many times, and it would be SOOOO nice if she would just listen and remember what I've already told her. Then I wouldn't be put into these situations . . .

That said, I do need to apologize. I can't change others, but I CAN change my reaction to others. If they don't think what they do is a problem, all I can do is exercise compassion and patience and keep myself in check and respectful. I honestly don't see any other way.

I've told my boyfriend basically the same thing. While many things he does trigger severe reactions in me (basically PTSD in nature, where I feel like I have to "Get out, get out now!"), I know it's not enough (or realistic) to ask him to not do these behaviors. Life happens, people get frustrated, people forget, and people yell. It's not realistic to try to get everyone to avoid doing those things around me. Instead I need to change MY reaction to what they do. It isn't at all easy, and I don't even really know how to do it right now, but I guess at the moment, just being aware of the needed change can be enough to move forward.

Until next time, "Choose the Good!"