I had started a blog last year at http://nissasmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/, but I fell away from posting and now I can't remember my log-in information for it to make new posts. Google has such good privacy settings that I can't even recover the info, so I am starting a new blog. Please click on the link above to read the beginnings of my blog (if interested, that is).
In a way, it's exciting to begin a new blog. It's like a fresh start after I feel like a really rough few months. After the last post I did on my first blog, a lot happened:
I continued in therapy, and my first impression proved to be right about my therapist - he's the right choice for me right now in my life. I really think he's going to be instrumental in guiding me through my recovery and on to a better life afterwards.
The hotel I was working at closed for 4.5 months of extensive renovations starting at the end of August. I chose to live off of the "Job attached unemployment benefits" and save money by staying with my boyfriend at his parent's place. The idea was that I could focus on recovery, able to make a big push without the distractions of life. I'd make a trip back to see my therapist every 2 weeks, and phone sessions every other week. However, this is not what happened.
My boyfriend's mom is the opposite of me in regards to eating - severely overweight, a binge eater, and no concept of what a healthy diet should consist of. While she can be a very sweet lady, she could never be understanding of my anxiety about just having certain types of foods available. Even after I confessed to my eating disorder, nothing changed. I struggled so much! Add to that the fact that often the family's interactions reminded me of my unstable home life growing up, and it was an all around triggering environment that I couldn't wait to get out of.
This went on for 3 months, but I ended up going back after the hotel reopened. I didn't work at the hotel, though. I accepted a job as a Lift Operator at a Ski Resort! I got to ski everyday! I couldn't be happier! During this time, I was able to go one time that was 2 weeks and 5 days without a binge or purge episode. I even adopted a puppy on 28 December 2012 that a co-worker was getting rid of. I hadn't had a dog in about 6 years, and everything seemed to be falling into place.
The only thing that wasn't right was the fact the my boyfriend and I were living with his cousin. His cousin and I were friends (he introduced me and my boy, actually), but things started taking a turn for the worse. He was outright selfish, rude, not allowing us to feel a part of the common areas of the house despite the fact that we were paying rent. Add onto this the fact that I had a bad skiing accident that kept me off skis for about 3 weeks, and I started spiraling downhill rather rapidly.
When I start to spiral, it's very difficult to regain control. I started restricting again, and with the added physical nature of my job, I got down to my lowest ever weight I can remember (107.5 lbs). I still wanted to lose, of course, but began having trouble getting lower without going to extreme measures. I was seeing shoulder and hip bones prominently, and it, honestly, grossed me out a bit. I knew it wasn't healthy, but all I felt was fear. Fear of food, fear of gaining weight, fear of not having the strength to do the things I wanted, and then a new fear started - fear of social situations. I had my first outright panic attack just because our room mate had family over and they were over taking the kitchen, talking too much, and I didn't feel a part of things. My anxiety started escalating in more and more situations. It's during this time, however, that I found one shred of hope.
Having a dog now, I started reading the books by Cesar Milan as I really liked his methods. I read in one of them about a lady wanting to make her dog into a Psychological Service Dog. I didn't even know those existed! Because of the nature of my job last winter, I was fortunate enough to be able to bring my puppy with me to work a few times. When I had him there, I noticed not only a significant reduction in anxiety, but I ate better, and was more focused and "in the moment." When things stressed me out my mind would stay present instead of trying to fly away. I did my research, but didn't commit to having him trained as a service dog for myself yet.
One day, though, I was extremely depressed, and I realized that I couldn't survive and do the things I needed to without help. And while many people are helpful, none of them can be there to encourage me all the time - but Cash, my puppy, could be if he were trained as a Service Dog.
My father became so entrenched in anxiety and depression during my growing up years that he wouldn't leave his bedroom, get dressed, and he nearly drove us to homelessness with it. We survived because of my mom. I NEVER want to get to that point, but seeing me depression increase, and knowing it's in my history, I want to safe guard against ever letting the depression and anxiety take over my life. Therapists have recommended medication for me at certain points, but I refuse because of the side effects I've seen my father struggle with in trying to balance medication. Therefore, Cash will be my medication! :)
In the face of that good news, I'm also back to a starting point - living in my boyfriend's parent's home and looking for employment. As being a Lift Operator was seasonal, and living with his cousin wasn't working, we decided to relocate. It's been a month and still haven't found a job, and a job has to come before we can find an apartment. It's been rough.
Surprisingly, though, while in some ways I feel at a very low point in my life with everything, I also DO feel STRONGER than when I was staying here the last time. Maybe there is something to be said for throwing yourself into the deep end of the pool. I feel more focused on
recovery and in life even though I still feel like a waste of space and a failure. It's baby steps, but I guess I AM moving forward.
I've also joined the community at Bulimiahelp.org, and it is the most amazing communities I've seen. The methods they offer make logical sense, and the community of people striving for recover makes me feel not so utterly alone and helps to keep me motivated everyday even when I don't want to be, ha ha!
Well, that's catch up for now. Stay tuned for adventures in job search, housing search, dog training, and recovery. I don't know if it will be exciting, but it certainly won't be boring.
Until next time, "Choose the Good!"
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