An Outing with the "Mother-in-Law"

I ended up apologizing for snapping at my boyfriend's mother. I phrased the apology so she understood that I knew I was in the wrong. I was embarrassed by my reaction, and I'm trying to learn how to not react so strongly. I explained how recovery is difficult, and I might snap occasionally, but I will man up and apologize when I do. I also gave her permission to call me out on my snappy behavior, because I really don't want to be the kind of person that takes frustrations with myself out on others - my dad did that and always denied that he did.

All in all, the conversation went really well. We are continually learning more and more about each other. In fact, maybe the conversation went too well . . . later on she invited me to go out shopping with her, and she would take me to lunch! YAY . . . not!

Going out to eat with her really played a lot into many of my issues.

1. Eating in front of others - particularly heavy-weight people
2. Choosing foods I don't know the exact content of
3. Having somebody else paying for what I am going to eat
4. Having to talk about "how good the food is" when I don't even want to eat it in the first place

She was kind enough to offer to let me choose the restaurant. I chose a place called ZOUP! They have soups, salads, and sandwiches. A lot of variety, and you can choose from 5 different size soups and get 1/2 salads and 1/2 sandwiches of all they offer. They list what things are gluten-free, vegetarian, low-fat, and low-calorie, but without listing EXACT nutritional information. For me this place is a very nice happy medium. It allows me to feel somewhat knowledgeable about the content I'm eating, but forces me to relax a little and not analyze every detail.

Thankfully, my Service Dog, Cash, came along. That helped a great deal. He always helps keep my obsessive thoughts from going out of control. That keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. There was one moment when I couldn't decide what to eat (not feeling like eating anything), and I was feeling very pressured because of the line needing to move during the lunch rush, and I was still reading all the options! I felt my anxiety building, but then I felt Cash lean against my leg. I reached down, rubbed his head, and took a breath. I decided on food!

In the end, it wasn't a bad experience eating with her. I kept my eyes focused on my food most of the time, I would have preferred to engage in conversation, but this was a big step regardless, and I think in some small way she understood that and didn't bother me about my food.

Then she took me into a natural foods store to grab somethings. That was an eye opening experience. I realized that she has good instincts intellectually about food, but her eating habits are compulsive. She kept looking around the produce and suggesting we get things like squash and blueberries. She asked me if I wanted to get any nuts or anything else. Yes, I was out of yogurt, almond milk, and I wanted unsalted nuts, but the most I could allow myself to let her get is peanut butter. I want to be able to buy my own foods, but I can't afford to right now being unemployed. It's hard enough having Eason buy some of my "safe" foods to keep around, but as his mother is already buying most of my food and giving me a place to live, it feels embarrassing. I don't want to be a leech.

At some points in the store I really thought she was interested in what I knew about the natural foods. We talked about Raw cheeses for a while, she even thought about buying some cashew butter! I think she is genuinely interested in learning the good parts of my relationship with food, but, just like me, her habits won't change overnight - she walked out with 4 racks of ribs (Good thing I don't even like ribs!).

While I did exercise a little more that day of the outing to deal with the anxiety build up, in the moment, I was able to keep myself calm and fairly focused (Cash can be thanked for a lot of that!). I suppose it is one more "Little Victory" to add to the list, and I just have to keep moving forward from here.

Until next time - "Choose the Good!"