All Kinds of Purging

A while back when I was preparing to move to Australia with my then-fiance, I took all of my possessions out of storage to go through them. As moving anything internationally is quite expensive and done, for the most part, by weight. Add onto that the fact that any suitcases I packed and flew with had to be 50lbs or under, and I could only travel with 2 checked bags + carry-on; I felt extremely pressured to rid myself of belongings.

I WAS quite the sentimentalist for most of my life. I think part of that was my religious upbringing. The LDS Church is big on personal family history, and they are constantly encouraging the members of the church to keep records for future generations - scrapbooks, journals, etc. I saved things to give to my kids one day (crazy!), tiny little notes from everyone, and every trinket that was ever given to me. I knew the story behind everything I had. I would save books that were just going to be gotten rid of, even if I didn't care for the book, because one day I wanted to have a FULL library in my home that I planned to build. I loved to sit and go through my things for hours and relive memories, and now I was being asked to decide which memories were important enough to keep.

I struggled a lot. I took pictures of things that I knew I should get rid of but didn't want to forget completely. I made lists of all the books I got rid of in case I wanted to purchase them again later. I would agonize over certain items for days, moving it back and forth between the keep pile and the get-rid-of pile. I would research for hours about minimalism and tips for getting rid of things you are sentimentally attached to. I learned a lot through this process.

As difficult as it was, I felt a strange weight (no pun intended) taken off every time I threw something out, took a pile to the thrift store, or was able to sell to a used book store. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something. Yet there was also always too much stuff still. No matter how many things I "purged" from my life, I still had too much stuff. Things either took up too much space, or weighed too much. Over and over again I had to go through things I'd already sifted through and decide on more to get rid of. It seemed it would never end.

I was going to have a yard sale. I had been struggling with my eating habits a fair bit for a couple months into the process of minimizing my possessions, and the night before this yard sale, I purged for the first time. I felt IMMENSE relief afterwards. It felt as though I was finally able to accomplish something by getting rid of something, and I didn't have to worry about it any more.

When my fiance arrived to visit, he was planning to take a full suitcase back with him of my stuff. As we moved around the States for a little while visiting my family, always we had every thing I owned in this world in tow with us. It was embarrassing to take up that space, and have someone else always having to move my stuff. All I kept feeling when someone was helping me with my bags is, "I should be responsible for my own things. It's not fair that they have to struggle under the weight of my possessions. I should have gotten rid of more."

That mind set has cemented it's hold in my brain. Even though I am now divorced from the person that started me out on the path to get rid of possessions, and I never moved to Australia, I still am CONSTANTLY going through my things and thinking, "This is taking up space. I don't care for it. I don't use it. What a waste!" And I get rid of it. NOW, instead of it hurting to get rid of things, it hurts to keep things. It always feels like I have too many things all over the place, and I just want to simplify my life and possessions so that I can easily pick up and move myself anywhere if need be, and I wouldn't have to rely on the assistance of other to move around, and I could fit anywhere where there was space available for me and my puppy.

I just recently noticed a correlation between when I did my first self-induced purge with food and the start of having to "purging" possessions. I don't know if it's just coincidence or not, but ever since then, I have a hard time keeping too many things around, and I have a hard time keeping food down. Just like when I feel like I've eaten too much and need to throw up or exercise it out, when I feel there are too many things around me, I need to get rid of them. If I can't get to a thrift store soon enough, often I will just throw things in the dumpster. I don't even really have the patience to sell things any more.

Just an interesting thought . .  . thanks for listening!

Until next time - "Choose the Good!"

A Small Start, and Still Moving Forward

I got a job! Funny story, I interviewed for it over a month ago, and they chose someone else who was "more experienced." Now, turns out the person they chose is "heavy" and not used to being out in the heat and very active. She was having a really hard time, so the position opened up again. I start training on Tuesday!

The job is for THE ANIMAL NANNY. It's a doggy daycare/pet sitting facility. It's only part-time, but I've been realizing I might just have to take 2 part-time jobs to make things work. At least this brings some money in so I can keep my bills paid and Cash fed and looked after properly. When I land another part-time job, that will be able to go to living expenses such as getting an apartment.

I've had a few random thoughts about getting this job. My first thought, honestly, when I got the call was, "Hmmm, I guess I better make sure I have a proper diet now since their last hire couldn't handle the physicality of the job. I don't want to be like that  person . . . maybe I should have really been working on this all along so that I had the energy reserves and strength at the ready. Now I'm just gonna play catch up."

I've been restricting the last few days. Not overly so, but I definitely know I'm not getting enough. I had given my scale battery to my boyfriend and told him no matter how great my anxiety he wasn't to give it back to me. But I've been concerned with my body, how my clothes are fitting, etc., so I've been upping my activity level and restricting a bit. I figured instead of weighing myself, I could measure myself. But I'm afraid to start that, too, since I'm sure THAT could become obsessive as well.

I have tried eating a normal portion size again, but I can't seem to do it. I feel intensely guilty for upping my portion size, or I feel like I need to purge if it's over a certain size. So, knowing that I need to eat more and feeling like I can't is very frustrating. I'm not sure how to move past this, but hopefully I'll be able to figure it out somehow.

In other news, Cash did AMAZING at the grocery store today. It was the biggest shopping trip we've done just the 2 of us, no one else with us. He listened very well, and followed closely with the cart. he even backed up really well when I was maneuvering in a tight spot.

I'm switching his diet to chicken free. He's been having a lot of reactions that seem to point towards a chicken intolerance/allergy. He's already on a grain free diet, and he was doing well, but apparently dogs can develop allergies to ingredients they are used to. I'm switching him to a fish-based protein diet, still grain free, and hopefully his symptoms clear up in a few weeks. Fingers crossed!

Until next time . . . "Choose the Good!"

Dog Training - Update!

Cash finished his first obedience class last Thursday with flying colors! He still has a lot of work to do, but we are making progress nicely. I was going to get his Canine Good Citizenship when they offered the test next, but that is June 8th. I finally found an organization that has strict guidelines for certification of Service Dogs, and I would be able to get Cash certified when he completes training! They are the Foundation for Service Dog Support (http://servicedogsupport.org/certification/#Teams_Seeking_Certification). However, some of their strict qualifications to apply for the test include having the Canine Good Citizenship test taken and passed AFTER the dog's 1st birthday. If he passes beforehand he'd have to retake the test anyway, so I decided not to waste the money. His birthday is on 28 August, so that gives me a while to make sure he is PERFECT and will pass the test with flying colors when the time comes.

He's starting to learn the "Alert" game. This is a game where he's engaged to touch my leg with his paw when I say "Alert," and jump up to paw me with both if he needs to be very insistent. He gets lots of happy praise and hotdog rewards for this. Once he becomes confident with this game and can do it randomly throughout the day from different distances and positions, I'm supposed to stop playing the game for 2 weeks. After that time period, I can only play this game that he loves when I start to feel my anxiety building or a panic attack coming on. I am supposed to play with him until the symptoms are gone. This way he begins to learn and get excited when he senses the chemical change or the change in mental state, because it means a fun game . . . This Service dog task can take several months to perfect, but it is going to be the main task he performs for me, so I'm taking it very seriously - while still making sure he has fun doing his job!

An Outing with the "Mother-in-Law"

I ended up apologizing for snapping at my boyfriend's mother. I phrased the apology so she understood that I knew I was in the wrong. I was embarrassed by my reaction, and I'm trying to learn how to not react so strongly. I explained how recovery is difficult, and I might snap occasionally, but I will man up and apologize when I do. I also gave her permission to call me out on my snappy behavior, because I really don't want to be the kind of person that takes frustrations with myself out on others - my dad did that and always denied that he did.

All in all, the conversation went really well. We are continually learning more and more about each other. In fact, maybe the conversation went too well . . . later on she invited me to go out shopping with her, and she would take me to lunch! YAY . . . not!

Going out to eat with her really played a lot into many of my issues.

1. Eating in front of others - particularly heavy-weight people
2. Choosing foods I don't know the exact content of
3. Having somebody else paying for what I am going to eat
4. Having to talk about "how good the food is" when I don't even want to eat it in the first place

She was kind enough to offer to let me choose the restaurant. I chose a place called ZOUP! They have soups, salads, and sandwiches. A lot of variety, and you can choose from 5 different size soups and get 1/2 salads and 1/2 sandwiches of all they offer. They list what things are gluten-free, vegetarian, low-fat, and low-calorie, but without listing EXACT nutritional information. For me this place is a very nice happy medium. It allows me to feel somewhat knowledgeable about the content I'm eating, but forces me to relax a little and not analyze every detail.

Thankfully, my Service Dog, Cash, came along. That helped a great deal. He always helps keep my obsessive thoughts from going out of control. That keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. There was one moment when I couldn't decide what to eat (not feeling like eating anything), and I was feeling very pressured because of the line needing to move during the lunch rush, and I was still reading all the options! I felt my anxiety building, but then I felt Cash lean against my leg. I reached down, rubbed his head, and took a breath. I decided on food!

In the end, it wasn't a bad experience eating with her. I kept my eyes focused on my food most of the time, I would have preferred to engage in conversation, but this was a big step regardless, and I think in some small way she understood that and didn't bother me about my food.

Then she took me into a natural foods store to grab somethings. That was an eye opening experience. I realized that she has good instincts intellectually about food, but her eating habits are compulsive. She kept looking around the produce and suggesting we get things like squash and blueberries. She asked me if I wanted to get any nuts or anything else. Yes, I was out of yogurt, almond milk, and I wanted unsalted nuts, but the most I could allow myself to let her get is peanut butter. I want to be able to buy my own foods, but I can't afford to right now being unemployed. It's hard enough having Eason buy some of my "safe" foods to keep around, but as his mother is already buying most of my food and giving me a place to live, it feels embarrassing. I don't want to be a leech.

At some points in the store I really thought she was interested in what I knew about the natural foods. We talked about Raw cheeses for a while, she even thought about buying some cashew butter! I think she is genuinely interested in learning the good parts of my relationship with food, but, just like me, her habits won't change overnight - she walked out with 4 racks of ribs (Good thing I don't even like ribs!).

While I did exercise a little more that day of the outing to deal with the anxiety build up, in the moment, I was able to keep myself calm and fairly focused (Cash can be thanked for a lot of that!). I suppose it is one more "Little Victory" to add to the list, and I just have to keep moving forward from here.

Until next time - "Choose the Good!"

Dealing With Others Who Don't Understand the Recovery Process

While trying to follow Structured Eating, I've had my ups and downs. Recovery isn't perfect by any means, but I am moving forward. Well, what's difficult is the fact that I am living in my boyfriend's parent's home, and his mother is morbidly obese. She has her own issues with food that I clearly see as compulsive, and while she may not have full on Binge Eating Disorder, she certainly has severely disordered eating. It's made it very challenging to live here, but right now I don't have much of a choice. I've thought that maybe it could be a good thing since it's throwing me into the fire, and if I can learn to control my E.D. in this house, I can do it anywhere, but there are moments where I just wish I could get my own place and have some peace away from it all. That, unfortunately isn't an option at the current moment in time, though. So, I'm stuck.

One of this woman's habits is watching what you eat. She asks a million questions while sticking herself right next to you and her face in your food either while you are cooking or while you are eating. Then she'll stick her fingers in your food and pick at it uninvited, or occasionally ask desperately if she could try some. It's incredibly unnerving. Another thing she will do is make suggestions about what you should eat while you are trying to decide on something to eat. I might want to make eggs for breakfast. She will sit there and say, "Well, you can add cheese to it! We also have some leftover bacon and shrimp you could stick in there! Or, you could fry up the pasta into a scramble with it! You could even have some toast!" And it goes on and on. Ironically, though, she rarely, if ever, eats breakfast, which makes me even more self conscious about having to eat with her near!

Since eating is anxiety provoking as it is, this behavior has been dancing on my last nerve. I am trying to eat a healthy amount, while trying to control my binge urge with every single mouthful. I am trying to make safe food choices so I'm less triggered to binge. To have her over my shoulder, making suggestions and watching my food makes me want to SCREAM! And, well, today I DID snap.

I was trying to have an apple with some peanut butter as a morning snack, and she comes over, leans against the counter right next to me, and puts her face over my food! No respect for personal space whatsoever! She says, "Oh, is that your peanut butter?" (I buy natural, fresh ground peanut butter, not JIF-style, and it's a new concept for her she can't seem to understand.)

I snapped! I tried to say things as calmly as I could, but I know I came off a little rude. "I'm sorry, I can't have you that close to my food while I'm eating," as I pulled my plate away from her and closer to me. She backed off, stunned that I did that, surprised she was doing anything wrong.

I do plan to apologize for snapping, but I mean, really! Even if I didn't have food issues, it seems very rude to stick your face into what somebody is eating at the time and ask questions about it. Maybe I am sensitive . . . scratch that, I know I'm sensitive, but I've explained my issues to her many times, and it would be SOOOO nice if she would just listen and remember what I've already told her. Then I wouldn't be put into these situations . . .

That said, I do need to apologize. I can't change others, but I CAN change my reaction to others. If they don't think what they do is a problem, all I can do is exercise compassion and patience and keep myself in check and respectful. I honestly don't see any other way.

I've told my boyfriend basically the same thing. While many things he does trigger severe reactions in me (basically PTSD in nature, where I feel like I have to "Get out, get out now!"), I know it's not enough (or realistic) to ask him to not do these behaviors. Life happens, people get frustrated, people forget, and people yell. It's not realistic to try to get everyone to avoid doing those things around me. Instead I need to change MY reaction to what they do. It isn't at all easy, and I don't even really know how to do it right now, but I guess at the moment, just being aware of the needed change can be enough to move forward.

Until next time, "Choose the Good!"

A New Start and Playing Catch Up

Hello, Everyone!

I had started a blog last year at http://nissasmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/, but I fell away from posting and now I can't remember my log-in information for it to make new posts. Google has such good privacy settings that I can't even recover the info, so I am starting a new blog. Please click on the link above to read the beginnings of my blog (if interested, that is).

In a way, it's exciting to begin a new blog. It's like a fresh start after I feel like a really rough few months. After the last post I did on my first blog, a lot happened:

I continued in therapy, and my first impression proved to be right about my therapist - he's the right choice for me right now in my life. I really think he's going to be instrumental in guiding me through my recovery and on to a better life afterwards.

The hotel I was working at closed for 4.5 months of extensive renovations starting at the end of August. I chose to live off of the "Job attached unemployment benefits" and save money by staying with my boyfriend at his parent's place. The idea was that I could focus on recovery, able to make a big push without the distractions of life. I'd make a trip back to see my therapist every 2 weeks, and phone sessions every other week. However, this is not what happened.

My boyfriend's mom is the opposite of me in regards to eating - severely overweight, a binge eater, and no concept of what a healthy diet should consist of. While she can be a very sweet lady, she could never be understanding of my anxiety about just having certain types of foods available. Even after I confessed to my eating disorder, nothing changed. I struggled so much! Add to that the fact that often the family's interactions reminded me of my unstable home life growing up, and it was an all around triggering environment that I couldn't wait to get out of.

This went on for 3 months, but I ended up going back after the hotel reopened. I didn't work at the hotel, though. I accepted a job as a Lift Operator at a Ski Resort! I got to ski everyday! I couldn't be happier! During this time, I was able to go one time that was 2 weeks and 5 days without a binge or purge episode. I even adopted a puppy on 28 December 2012 that a co-worker was getting rid of. I hadn't had a dog in about 6 years, and everything seemed to be falling into place.

The only thing that wasn't right was the fact the my boyfriend and I were living with his cousin. His cousin and I were friends (he introduced me and my boy, actually), but things started taking a turn for the worse. He was outright selfish, rude, not allowing us to feel a part of the common areas of the house despite the fact that we were paying rent. Add onto this the fact that I had a bad skiing accident that kept me off skis for about 3 weeks, and I started spiraling downhill rather rapidly.

When I start to spiral, it's very difficult to regain control. I started restricting again, and with the added physical nature of my job, I got down to my lowest ever weight I can remember (107.5 lbs). I still wanted to lose, of course, but began having trouble getting lower without going to extreme measures. I was seeing shoulder and hip bones prominently, and it, honestly, grossed me out a bit. I knew it wasn't healthy, but all I felt was fear. Fear of food, fear of gaining weight, fear of not having the strength to do the things I wanted, and then a new fear started - fear of social situations. I had my first outright panic attack just because our room mate had family over and they were over taking the kitchen, talking too much, and I didn't feel a part of things. My anxiety started escalating in more and more situations. It's during this time, however, that I found one shred of hope.

Having a dog now, I started reading the books by Cesar Milan as I really liked his methods. I read in one of them about a lady wanting to make her dog into a Psychological Service Dog. I didn't even know those existed! Because of the nature of my job last winter, I was fortunate enough to be able to bring my puppy with me to work a few times. When I had him there, I noticed not only a significant reduction in anxiety, but I ate better, and was more focused and "in the moment." When things stressed me out my mind would stay present instead of trying to fly away. I did my research, but didn't commit to having him trained as a service dog for myself yet.

One day, though, I was extremely depressed, and I realized that I couldn't survive and do the things I needed to without help. And while many people are helpful, none of them can be there to encourage me all the time - but Cash, my puppy, could be if he were trained as a Service Dog.

My father became so entrenched in anxiety and depression during my growing up years that he wouldn't leave his bedroom, get dressed, and he nearly drove us to homelessness with it. We survived because of my mom. I NEVER want to get to that point, but seeing me depression increase, and knowing it's in my history, I want to safe guard against ever letting the depression and anxiety take over my life. Therapists have recommended medication for me at certain points, but I refuse because of the side effects I've seen my father struggle with in trying to balance medication. Therefore, Cash will be my medication! :)

We've been in training about a month and a half, and today I just received the letter from my therapist that states I would benefit from the use of a service animal. It's just another step in this process and I'm very excited.

In the face of that good news, I'm also back to a starting point - living in my boyfriend's parent's home and looking for employment. As being a Lift Operator was seasonal, and living with his cousin wasn't working, we decided to relocate. It's been a month and still haven't found a job, and a job has to come before we can find an apartment. It's been rough.

Surprisingly, though, while in some ways I feel at a very low point in my life with everything, I also DO feel STRONGER than when I was staying here the last time. Maybe there is something to be said for throwing yourself into the deep end of the pool. I feel more focused on
recovery and in life even though I still feel like a waste of space and a failure. It's baby steps, but I guess I AM moving forward.

I've also joined the community at Bulimiahelp.org, and it is the most amazing communities I've seen. The methods they offer make logical sense, and the community of people striving for recover makes me feel not so utterly alone and helps to keep me motivated everyday even when I don't want to be, ha ha!

Well, that's catch up for now. Stay tuned for adventures in job search, housing search, dog training, and recovery. I don't know if it will be exciting, but it certainly won't be boring.

Until next time, "Choose the Good!"